Atlas Park

The_Smartest: this room is so shit becasue it smells like moderator

Welcome to Atlas Park
If you aren't a troll, narcissist, or hypocrite, you've come to the wrong place. Here at Atlas Park, we begrudgingly welcome everyone, mainly because we have no choice. If you want to become an regular, reconsider. If you want to become an Moderator, it's not very hard. They really do just hand those jobs out (just kidding, we love you JeniseS, please don't silence us). If you actually manage to merit one of these titles, don't be offended when we roast you in your description. So, welcome to the Park, a pants-free adventuring environment.

Rules

 * 1) Get naked.
 * 2) Hate all other rooms and everything they stand for. FOUR LEGS GOOD, TWO LEGS BAD!
 * 3) Keep your opinions to yourself unless you're fully prepared to be ferociously argued with.
 * 4) Limit virtual rape to PMs, no one needs to see all that.
 * 5) Have a set of balls, and some chest on your hair.

News

 * No, we will not add you to the regs list because you are "always on, but just gaming."
 * On July 25, 2016, will be an eight-year-old! We like to picture them as the elementary school Lunchables™-stealing bully that we've always had, and never wanted.
 * As of October 24, 2015, Ayrus is the room owner. We assume he'll go the way of every other room owner of old, leaving the room, renouncing his modship, and then drifting into the abyss (which is about half of the chat system of Kong).
 * Barrens Chat puked all of its regs into us in its dying breath.
 * As the prophecies have prophecized, all of the cool people have left, realizing that they have a life outside of shitty 13 year olds on a flash game chat room, or deciding that they need one before they turn as rotten and useless as the rest of us. Only the truly meek and hopeless remain.
 * New mod! We hope this one does its job (kidding, not kidding). :-D

The Daily Breakdown
Atlas Park is arguably the most diverse, individuality-friendly rooms on all of Kongregate, in the sense that all types of characters are deemed equally worthless. The sheer popularity of the room assures that a wide variety of personalities pass through the room every day. Whether you're in a desperate search for people to cling to, or desperately trying to avoid certain types, it all depends on the time of day you swing by.

MORNING (6AM-12PM): The morning is a good time to hang around the Park if you hate everything about the internet. All of the in-heat preteens, raging squeakers, grotesque trolls and the general population of obnoxious narcissists that fill the room are either fast asleep or off soaking in a puddle of excrement and vices somewhere. The only people present around this time are adults idly chatting it up before they head off to work, or generally any semblance of a social life. Among these functional humans, JeniseS is known to silently stalk her prey at this time. It is rumored by the village people that if you answer her holy riddle, she will ejaculate her divine wisdom unto you.

AFTERNOON (12PM-5PM): Amateur Hour! It’s safe to say that if you find yourself in Atlas Park regularly during the afternoon, your life has taken a worrisome turn and you should reassess your life decisions. Anyone still here during the weekdays are people who have long since abandoned work, school, friends and general self worth. The general crowd usually consists of spammers and lurkers until dinnertime. However, every once in a while, you might find a lone Regular wandering about aimlessly, desperately trying to milk entertainment out of the dead cow carcass that is the lunchtime Park.

EVENING (5PM-9PM): Evening is the time to stick around if you truly want to appreciate the abundant, lively, completely degenerate nature of Atlas Park. The huddled masses of the internet eventually all (get it?) around the bonfire of the Park around this time, showing just how far back we can reverse evolution with a little bit of teamwork. Usually by the time evening sets in, the room is already a hurricane of rage and horseplay, simultaneously a safe haven for all and for none. You’ll commonly enter to find a wild pack of trolls and preteens at the throat of a Regular, two Regs at the throat of one another, or everyone enacting a temporary truce to fight the corruption of the Modship. Viva la revolución!

LATE NIGHT (9PM-3AM): Consider this the Adult Swim hours of the room. The longest section of time in the Breakdown, some would consider late night to be the most reflective of the uniqueness and cadences of Atlas Park. As the sun sets and stars freckle the sky, the outcasts and degenerates of the Park crawl out from under their highway underpass and spread their wings. The room is immediately littered with sexual frustration, deep-web inquiries and drunk angst of those who have had one too many to drinks and not enough to sleep. Don’t expect to find any intellect or mature conversation at this time, but if you need to rant about your ex-wife or find cocaine fast, step right in.

CORPSE HOURS (3AM-6AM): This tiny interval of time, lodged precariously between the late night and morning, is known as the corpse hours, and aptly so. The chat is almost as dead as Ayrus' stand-up routine, and rife with the stench of a hundred noobs come and gone. If you do manage to come across a lonesome wanderer, brave enough to venture through these most darkest of hours, don't expect them to be completely sane, and when they lock you within their icy grip, sucking your mind and soul into their own, don't expect to remain completely sane yourself. But, you know what they say, it's always darkest just before the sun rises.

Park Rangers
On Kongregate, Moderators are a lot like cops; very powerful, but not very competent. Some of them are chain-smoking homicide detectives, cynical from years on the job, seeing what people have the capacity to do, what people have the capacity to troll. Some are dirty badges, fat and lazy like spoiled cats, ready to take any size bribe to silence that guy you don't like and not lift a finger otherwise. Here at Atlas Park, it is more of an honorary title for elderly homebodies so they can lie to themselves and feel like someone loves them.

Ayrus 

''"Quit yer bitchin'." -Ayrus''

Omniscient and now at maximum power level, Ayrus is a biochemist for an unknown company, in an unknown location, working for unknown wages. No one really knows if Ayrus is weaponizing Ebola or curing cancer, but then again, no one cares. Everyone who knows him well pictures him with ._. as his face, considering it is the only emoticon he ever feels the need to use, and the one he assumes is worth a million words more than an actual reply. We like to think that the million words he could of used would be something along the lines of "I don't like you, but if I tell you that, every goddamn reg in here is going to call me Kim Jong-un again." Very busy and very stressed always, Ayrus likes to pretend he doesn't have any power, only to wield it like the wrath of God a minute later. Ayrus is probably the most active of our moderators, but only because of his constant burning desire to share imgur albums about noodle recipes and animals doing dumb shit every 5 minutes. Also, he recently became the room owner, inciting Atlas Park's first mass suicide and subsequent human barbecue (this month).

JeniseS 

"i tell you son, you're not the best. you rappin' dont even past the test. your lyrics really arent that great. you got 15 minutes, now you have to wait" -JeniseS

Always absent when needed and needed when absent, Jenise is wise, down-to-Earth, logical, and elderly all at the same time. She may not be as active as in the past, but no moderator is more loved, an especially easy decision considering the only other moderators at hand. Most regulars, save for the few that have spent the last several years obsessing over the room, can't even recall a time when she actually used her powers as moderator. All that is left of the Jenise who moderated is the stories that we will pass to our grandchildren. Her prime concern is always making people happy, which can be a bit counterproductive when it comes to trolls, but... what the hell. All hail Jenise!

Pepzi

"what if they have aids in their mouth" -Pepzi

At the moment, all we know about Pepzi is that he's new, and we don't know who the fuck he is. Some of you who have migrated from Barrens seem to think he's pretty neat, but there's still a possibility he could be a pawn in the plan for AP domination. On the sunny side, we look forward to his potential to silence all the spammers that have swarmed in lately... And we've missed a male mod figure in our lives here at AP ever since Allen42 left to buy a pack of cigarettes and never came home.

The Unbannable
This section is dedicated to all of those brave soldiers who fight every day for justice and valor in our beloved Park... Mostly against moderators, and people they decide are annoying. Their tireless efforts often land them on the bad side of the law here, and because of this, they have become very familiar with everything from a 15-minute silence to an IP ban.

crazykiller282

"you guys are a bunch of cuties, lets have an orgy" -crazykiller282

current alts: F_O_R_T_E, GOD_EMPEROR_cray

Craz leaves more than your dad during your childhood. He makes absolutely positive to only come back once his old wiki bios stop being relevant, thus making me rewrite a new one every time he comes about. While this pisses me off, it also gives me full privilege to make his new bio extra roasty toasty. Craz is a pasty, white, likely ginger basement dweller pretending to be a black bodybuilder, under the assumption that no one can see through his clever disguise. His witty banter is compromised mainly of homophobia, and high-key homosexual frustration. Self-dubbed (and, let's be real, dubbed by everyone else) as the Lead Troll of the Room, craz shines his light of fury on any lurker who dares to encroach upon his kingdom. Just don't think that you'll be able to fish a regular conversation out of him, or that he actually likes you just because he lol'd at one of your fat mom jokes.

Loki_LOPTR1

"I tried to run this jewry out of here and jenise shows up and stops me =(" -Loki_LOPTR1

current alts: Loki_And_Friends, Its_Just_Loki

Loki came a long way to be on the page. He started off as a meager troll, and throughout his time in Atlas Park, he evolved into something more powerful than any of us could comprehend. He became one of the main trolls on one of the most busy rooms in the entire site, and earned himself a reputation in the Park. Cunning and almost supernaturally motivated, Loki has been known to lurk during the earlier hours and chase away those that present themselves as a tumor to the room, making himself some enemies along the way. Still, saying that trolls can't be part of the Reg community in would be to compromise nearly everyone.

Shadi_

"if my head isn’t there the world isn’t there" -Shadi_

current alts: gramps23, Senpai__, Foxato

When Shadi (also known as Shaddam Hussein, Guranpu-senpai, and Shadway Express) is on, you can usually expect him to be the optimistic note in the otherwise pessimistic sonnet that is Atlas Park. He will keep the chat rolling on with Facebook links and desperate efforts to find someone who will be his anime friend. He can go on for minutes about nothing in particular, and isn't scared to chime in with his snide remarks during the awkwardest of silences. As with the best of us, Shadi is known for particular skills and characteristics; we consider him the hentai connoisseur of the room, because of his extensive knowledge and unconditional love for everything naked and animated. He has been perma-banned from Kong once or twice for taking swings at the mods out of boredom, and now lives on as Shadi_. He is still Gramps in our hearts, though... our cold, dark, sadistic hearts...

Regulars
Regulars are people who have donated little pieces of their souls and large chunks of their lives to a particular chat room. In the end, they have absolutely no reward to show for their devotion, other than a little credit. You should respect your regulars and tolerate their mindless bullshit, because you never know when they just might become a Mod and perma-ban your ass.

blebbeh

"i almost passed out trying to make pizza rolls" -blebbeh

If you frequent Atlas Park, you know blebbeh. Shrouded in mystery, she is the self-appointed chronicler of the happenings and personages of the room. Being as narcissistic as she is, paired with how little she cares about anyone or anything else, it is very fair to label her the sociopath to rule them all. The only tangible thing close to human feeling that can be taken from her behavior is her desperate flailing to remain #1 Motherfucker, as emphasized by the vomit of self-praise and angst in her profile's bio. Emotionless, uncaring, and yet strangely captivating, blebbeh may inspire various conflicting feelings. This will make you want to lash out, a desire you should most definitely act on, for the entertainment of the room. In her desperate attempts to keep her precious wiki neat and tidy, when not enthralled in another conversation, you'll see her randomly blurting out investigations on who has been inactive, who wants to be a reg, and who the fuck keeps putting ASCII art penises everywhere.

Carracosta

"youre treading in carratory now" -Carracosta

It seems that the only redeemable characteristic of Carra is that he is one of the only regulars in the room who has actually lived a life outside of the internet. A recovering hard drug addict and house-arrested pedophile in denial, he may be the edgiest that Atlas Park has to offer. Don't by any means, however, assume based off of his experiences, that he's not a boring sack of shit anyway. He's useful if you want the delicious feeling that comes with knowing that there's someone out there doing worse than you, and... Not much else. Still, he thrives and gains popularity by the fact that he never has anything better to do these days than lurk around, mack on blebbeh, and dive headfirst into every argument he can reap the trolling benefits of, as well as being part of the new generation of Parkians with their punny new age humor. Kids say the darnedest things!

Piccolo_Junior

"women are wrong" -Piccolo_Junior

When Picc first came on, we assumed he would only be around, sneaking in the shadows anytime Demon_Moose was around, or when it was time for another Barrens raid on the pure sanctity of the Park. However, after months, we've all realized that he won't go away. He didn't have the easiest initiation into the room, being subject to a lot of false rumors and general sippage of the haterade we have all come to include in our daily lives, but after the fog of fury and patriotism faded, we've come to see him as a welcome inclusion of some adult reasoning and the witty imgur-esque humor that everyone can't help but appreciate. He has a half-punny, sort-of-dickish retort to just about anything you could think to say, and he adds some variety to the room in a sea of preteens, sloppy trolls and shitposters. Still, don't trust him. He could sick his army of Barreners on you at any second.

ranushy

"do i look like a joker to you? :)" -ranushy

There are many people who do enjoy ran's (or nushy's) presence in the room, and she isn't completely insufferable, nor does she insult anyone and everyone she comes across. She is a Middle Eastern-American fifteen-year-old girl who is very faithfully Muslim. There is a magical little innocence to her, and she very rarely uses curse words. Even if she did, it would be difficult to find through the flood of smiley-face emoticons. She is very nice to be around and seems completely harmless, but watch your back. As it is with many children of her age, get on her bad side and she will do everything in her power to make your day slightly annoying. EVERYTHING. :)

Pretty Much Regulars
The only real difference between this list of people and the "real" regulars is the fact that these people have too much of a real life to constantly obsess over Atlas Park and devolve themselves into brainless chat bots. These users may not be on as often, and may take the occasional break for their sanity and general well-being, but our knowledge and love for their personalities makes them pretty much regulars.

DJ_Church

[Quote Pending]

Atlas Park has a funny way of always drawing someone in who will act as a mature and calm force in the never-ending hurricane of rage and sex-deprived antics. DJ can be found usually during the evenings, standing in the sidelines during the most heated of flamewars and shoving in constant commentary, usually wondering why people are still so butthurt. It is true that he doesn't often share the same passion and fury that many of the other regs have... For lack of better evidence, DJ is so uninteresting we can't even fish a quote out of him. However, with no lack of interesting characters in this room, he can often act as a happy detox to the batshit insanity we've become accustomed to.

smokkin

[Quote Pending]

No room is complete without its resident nerd! Mostly calm and neighborly, but occasionally mad with technological discovery or lack thereof, smokk is defined in the Park by his constant ability to help others. Whether it be that you're angry that there's no Kongregate chat app, crying because something in your house just broke, or just wishing that there was someone out there as passionate about  as you are, smokk's your man. If you're ever feeling particularly parched of his presence, just stick around until the sun goes down, and wait. Chances are, he'll come out of his shell eventually, and a glorious rant about his latest project will come spilling from his genius face.

tigol

"shh" -tigol

Many people don't know tig unless they've been around for a while. This is mostly because he prefers to dwell in the clammy basement of the Park, only reaching the outside world through whispers and occasionally popping his head out to eat the closest available freedom hater he can find. Tig is a rather dividing topic, as some will swear up and down that his roots are firmly planted in Barrens Chat, but those of us who know better know that Atlas is his true home. After all, with his deviant sexual behavior and inability to listen to opinions that aren't his, where else would he really belong?

WRAIT94

''"Somewhere in the world, the sweaty palm of a fat child is reaching for a pastry. And it’s all Wrait’s fault." -RicketyPrince''

One of the most genuinely popular personalities in the entirety of Atlas Park, Wrait appeals to nearly every nook and cranny of our wonderful citizens. Whether you're "ooooh"-ing one of his sick, MLG 360 burns, in a heated argument over how libertarians are essentially Satan, or kissing his boot, chances are you've connected deeply with Wrait in some way. He has no time for being held down, and does exactly what he wants when he wants. That is probably the reason that, nowadays, you'll commonly find him at the throat of one of the moderators arguing why the chat censor needs to die in fire. To the ladies, I pray that you try your best not to fall under the spell of his charm and testicular musk. It is... musky. We know this because every time he logs on, just about every girl present falls to their knees (no pun intended). With little success to gain his love. Maybe because his heart (among other parts) has a "YOU MUST BE LEGAL TO RIDE" sign posted up front.

Oldies
Atlas Park was once a flourishing garden of all different types of stupid, hilarious, offensive and self-superior. However, over the years, the fires of flamewar after flamewar has left this room desolate and infertile of personality. In this section, we honor the life we once had.

BugsRucker - Once the resident happy, drunk uncle of Atlas Park, Bugs appealed to almost everyone and had no enemies, a concept that seems foreign to the rest of us. He left with no goodbye, and we can only assume he's off somewhere in the world, dead or making some other kids happy. :'-(

Cuxinhund - Definitely the most hated person in Atlas Park during the time he was here, Cuxinhund's existence almost immediately became a meme of deprecation and disgust for the room to rejoice in. He left as furiously and meekly as all of the other petty trolls, and while we mourn the loss of the chance to bully, none of us can say we miss the person.

iMeds - One of the only people in all of the Park with some sense of religious or otherwise ethical foundation in their bones, iMeds had a penchant for muting anyone who asked him a logical question that he deemed too heretical to merit his answer. Unfortunately, this has led to must of us finding him unsavory. We're sure he's still out there somewhere, crying into his bible and shouting to himself about how much of a "troll destroyer" he is.

Shustriy - Old in the room and easy to get to know, Shus was one of the few trolls of the room who wasn't an absolute torture to be around or talk to. He was active like no other and homoerotic enough to power a generator, one day Shus learned that he had a potential life to live, and dipped out before any of us could mourn.

tree_fiddy - Possibly the most legendary troll of history. Truly a man to behold, and in all of our hearts, even though we all got kinda annoyed and tired of the trope near the end of his reign. No man, woman, or sexually aggressive Mexican hermaphrodite will ever live up to the butthurt he rampaged throughout all the kingdoms. He was perma-banned for being such a major asshole, and while we rejoiced at the time, we still sometimes find ourselves turning to riposte one of his extremely offensive insults, only to remember that he is long gone, probably arrested for assaulting children at a nearby elementary school.