Atlas Park

Welcome to Atlas Park
If you aren't a troll, narcissist, or hypocrite, you've come to the wrong place. Here at Atlas Park, we begrudgingly welcome everyone, mainly because we have no choice. If you want to become an Atlas Park regular, reconsider. If you want to become an Atlas Park Moderator, it's not very hard. They really do just hand those jobs out (just kidding, we love you JeniseS, please don't silence us). If you actually manage to merit one of these titles, don't be offended when we roast you in your description. So, welcome to the Park, a pants-free adventuring environment.

Rules

 * 1) Get naked.
 * 2) Hate all other rooms and everything they stand for. FOUR LEGS GOOD, TWO LEGS BAD!
 * 3) Keep your opinions to yourself unless you're fully prepared to be ferociously argued with.
 * 4) Limit virtual rape to PMs, no one needs to see all that.
 * 5) Have a set of balls, and some chest on your hair.

News

 * Almost one whole day without flame war! Wait, make that zero.
 * No, we will not add you to the regs list because you are "always on, but just gaming."
 * On July 25, 2016, Atlas Park will be an eight-year-old! We like to picture them as the elementary school Lunchables™-stealing bully that we've always had, and never wanted.
 * As of October 24, 2015, Ayrus is the room owner. We assume he'll go the way of every other Atlas Park room owner of old, leaving the room, renouncing his modship, and then drifting into the abyss.
 * Many large and awesome edits made recently on the page. More expected to come in short notice!

The Daily Breakdown
Atlas Park is arguably the most diverse, individuality-friendly rooms on all of Kongregate, in the sense that all types of characters are deemed equally worthless. The sheer popularity of the room assures that a wide variety of personalities pass through the room every day. Whether you're in a desperate search for people to cling to, or desperately trying to avoid certain types, it all depends on the time of day you swing by.

MORNING (6AM-12PM): The morning is a good time to hang around the Park if you hate everything about the internet. All of the in-heat preteens, raging squeakers, grotesque trolls and the general population of obnoxious narcissists that fill the room are either fast asleep or off soaking in a puddle of excrement and vices somewhere. The only people present around this time are adults idly chatting it up before they head off to work, or generally any semblance of a social life. Among these functional humans, JeniseS is known to silently stalk her prey at this time. It is rumored by the village people that if you answer her holy riddle, she will ejaculate her divine wisdom unto you.

AFTERNOON (12PM-5PM): Amateur Hour! It’s safe to say that if you find yourself in Atlas Park regularly during the afternoon, your life has taken a worrisome turn and you should reassess your life decisions. Anyone still here during the weekdays are people who have long since abandoned work, school, friends and general self worth. The general crowd usually consists of spammers and lurkers until dinnertime. However, every once in a while, you might find a lone Regular wandering about aimlessly, desperately trying to milk entertainment out of the dead cow carcass that is the lunchtime Park.

EVENING (5PM-9PM): Evening is the time to stick around if you truly want to appreciate the abundant, lively, completely degenerate nature of Atlas Park. The huddled masses of the internet eventually all kongregate (get it?) around the bonfire of the Park around this time, showing just how far back we can reverse evolution with a little bit of teamwork. Usually by the time evening sets in, the room is already a hurricane of rage and horseplay, simultaneously a safe haven for all and for none. You’ll commonly enter to find a wild pack of trolls and preteens at the throat of a Regular, two Regs at the throat of one another, or everyone enacting a temporary truce to fight the corruption of the Modship. Viva la revolución!

LATE NIGHT (9PM-3AM): Consider this the Adult Swim hours of the room. The longest section of time in the Breakdown, some would consider late night to be the most reflective of the uniqueness and cadences of Atlas Park. As the sun sets and stars freckle the sky, the outcasts and degenerates of the Park crawl out from under their highway underpass and spread their wings. The room is immediately littered with sexual frustration, deep-web inquiries and drunk angst of those who have had one too many to drink and one not enough to sleep. Don’t expect to find any intellect or mature conversation at this time, but if you need to rant about your ex-wife or find cocaine fast, step right in.

CORPSE HOURS (3AM-6AM): This tiny interval of time, lodged precariously between the late night and morning, is known as the corpse hours, and aptly so. The chat is almost as dead as Ayrus' stand-up routine, and rife with the stench of a hundred noobs come and gone. If you do manage to come across a lonesome wanderer, brave enough to venture through these most darkest of hours, don't expect them to be completely sane, and when they lock you within their icy grip, sucking your mind and soul into their own, don't expect to remain completely sane yourself. But, you know what they say, it's always darkest just before the sun rises.

Park Rangers
On Kongregate, Moderators are a lot like cops; very powerful, but not very competent. Some of them are chain-smoking homicide detectives, cynical from years on the job, seeing what people have the capacity to do, what people have the capacity to troll. Some are dirty badges, fat and lazy like spoiled cats, ready to take any size bribe to silence that guy you don't like and not lift a finger otherwise. Here at Atlas Park, it is more of an honorary title for elderly homebodies so they can feel more productive.

Ayrus 

''"Quit yer bitchin'." -Ayrus''

Omniscient and now at maximum power level, Ayrus is a biochemist for an unknown company, in an unknown location, working for unknown wages. No one really knows if Ayrus is weaponizing ebola or curing cancer, but then again, no one cares. Everyone who knows him well pictures him with ._. as his face, considering it is the only emoticon he ever feels the need to use, and the one he assumes is worth a million words more than an actual reply. We like to think that the million words he could of used would be something along the lines of "I don't like you, but if I tell you that, every goddamn reg in here is going to call me Kim Jong-un again." Very busy and very stressed always, Ayrus likes to pretend he doesn't have any power, only to wield it like the wrath of God a minute later. Ayrus is probably the most active of our moderators, but only because of his constant burning desire to share imgur albums about noodle recipes and animals doing dumb shit every 5 minutes. Also, he recently became the room owner, inciting Atlas Park's first mass suicide (this month).

'JeniseS' 

"i tell you son, you're not the best. you rappin' dont even past the test. your lyrics really arent that great. you got 15 minutes, now you have to wait" -JeniseS

Always absent when needed and needed when absent, Jenise is wise, down-to-Earth, logical, and elderly all at the same time. She may not be as active as in the past, but no moderator is more loved, an especially easy decision considering the only other moderator. Even with unlimited power over the whole of Atlas Park, her prime concern is always making people happy, which can be a bit counterproductive when it comes to trolls, but... what the hell. All hail Jenise!

Regulars
Regulars are people who have donated little pieces of their souls and large chunks of their lives to a particular chat room. In the end, they have absolutely no reward to show for their devotion, other than a little credit. You should respect your regulars and tolerate their mindless bullshit, because you never know when they just might become a Mod and ban your ass.

blebbeh

"i almost passed out trying to make pizza rolls" -blebbeh

If you frequent Atlas Park, you know blebbeh. Shrouded in mystery, she is the self-appointed chronicler of the happenings and personages of the room. Being as narcissistic as she is, paired with how little she cares about anyone or anything else, it is very fair to label her the sociopath to rule them all. The only tangible thing close to human feeling that can be taken from her behavior is her desperate flailing to remain #1 Motherfucker, even going so far as putting "Queen of Atlas Park" in her Kongregate bio. Emotionless, uncaring, and yet strangely captivating, blebbeh may inspire various conflicting feelings. This will make you want to lash out, a desire you should most definitely act on, for the entertainment of the room. In her desperate attempts to keep her precious wiki neat and tidy, when not enthralled in another conversation, you'll see her randomly blurting out investigations on who has been inactive, who wants to be a reg, and who the fuck keeps putting ascii art penises everywhere.

booty__pirate

"all that's for sure is my seed wants to spread. and i can provide the resources to nurture it. nawmsayin" -booty__pirate

Shalom, goyim! Booty, an I.T. Crowd-Lumberjack hybrid with the brain of an endearingly passive-aggressive Jewish uncle, fills the entirety of Atlas Park with his presence, simultaneously having zero completely distinct personality traits, and having them all. Booty is one of the more talkative regulars in the area, although entertaining his ramblings and hubbub will definitely send you on some kind of journey, the content of which can never be predicted. He might gift you with some useful, very detailed advice on how to become the best prostitute possible, tell you that all of your opinions are worthless, or just tell you to go fuck yourself and go smoke a bowl. A man of luxury and good taste, he isn't one to entertain the lower class, so if you have nothing to provide him, scurry away. Think that this bio isn't entirely accurate? You'll know better when you're older.

Cuxinhund

"The fact that cux is on the wiki and i am not makes me want to kill myself" -Procrastinator_

Cux has a special place in the heart of Atlas Park. Specifically, our clogged arteries. Many would say that if we could get Cux surgically removed, we would. However, the tumor of his existence has spread to all of our brains, and now it seems impossible to live without him around. Cux spends most of his time idly chatting with anyone, from the regs to the lurkers and spammers. He is an activist against all mediated discussion or emotional breakthrough in the room, feeding off of the anger and frustration he drills into the minds of the newbies, and just about anyone who hasn't become immune to his half-thought out disses and blatant insults. No matter when you're on, or what you do, Cux will always be the tapeworm we don't want to poop out.

Gramps_

''"Shad is Trump. Shad is a much much much much much poorer Trump." -Ayrus''

When TshadS (also known as Grandpa Shad, T-Money, and Shadway Express) is on, you can usually expect him to be the optimistic note in the otherwise pessimistic sonnet that is Atlas Park. He will keep the chat rolling on but prevent it from derailing. Recently, he was permabanned from Kong for taking swings at the mods out of boredom, and now lives on as Gramps_. He is still shad in our hearts though... our cold, dark, sadistic hearts...

KingDaedalus

''"Sometimes I get an erection when I eat honey buns." -KingDaedalus''

The noobs worship him, the regs like him, and the mods respect him, but there are exceptions to every rule. Dae is the kind of regular that everybody knows, especially when they don't want to. He is, for the most part, serious and articulate, somewhat of a rarity inside of the rest of the Park. He also happens to be one of the primary editors for the Atlas Park wiki, meaning that all of us still have the privilege of blaming him for everything we don't like inside of the page, or just in our lives in general. However, once he's been awake for forty-eight hours, kept barely sustained by his own insomnia, it is frightening and amazing to see his sudden transition from wise and relatable to paranoid and borderline Joker. When he isn't complaining about the lack of regs or about the presence of blebbeh, you might find him offering to play chess and linking obscure music videos, only to disappear into a strange non-virtual world moments later.

Loki_LOTPR1

"I tried to run this jewry out of here and jenise shows up and stops me =(" -Loki_LOTPR1

Loki came a long way to be on the Atlas Park Wikia page. He started off as a meager troll, and throughout his time on Kongregate, he evolved into something more powerful than any of us could comprehend. He became one of the main trolls on one of the most busy rooms in the entire site, and earned himself a reputation in the Park. Everyone considers him a sort of wasp; When he's around, all you can do is be still and hope to your deity of choice that he doesn't put you on his list of shit to destroy. Cunning and almost supernaturally motivated, Loki has been known to make dozens or more of alts in order to ambush users he is bent on trolling or harassing. We know this because of his aggressive angry begging to be added to the wiki. Still, saying that trolls can't be part of the Reg community in Atlas Park would be to compromise nearly everyone.

MettreMat

''"I'll put you on the goddamn wiki, Mat, okay?!" -KingDaedalus''

Probably one of the quickest transitioners ever from noob to reg, Mat is a testament to the indisputable truth that if you beg enough you shall receive. Granted, the amount of sexual favors he paid may have tipped the scales, but that is of no importance. He has a wicked crush on tbauer123, which is apparent simply by reading the one and only line of his profile description, and is always reliable to carry on a bearable-to-mediocre conversation. What else is there to say? His presence is similar to that of a cow's. It's cool that he's here, and we'll milk him for what he's worth, but, if times dictate, we won't hesitate to butcher him and eat his cuts with a side of mashed potatoes. Too harsh? You haven't tasted MettreMat.

ranushy

"do i look like a joker to you? :)" -ranushy

There are a few people who do enjoy ran's (or nushy's) presence in the room, and she isn't completely insufferable, nor does she insult anyone and everyone she comes across. She is a Middle Eastern-American fifteen-year-old girl who is very faithfully Muslim. There is a magical little innocence to her, and she very rarely uses curse words. Even if she did, it would be difficult to find through the flood of smiley-face emoticons. She is very nice to be around and seems completely harmless, but watch your back. As it is with many children of her age, get on her bad side and she will do everything in her power to make your day slightly annoying. EVERYTHING. :)

tbauer123

"nigga i love my syrup and if you cant get over that then eat a dick" -tbauer123

This is a guy who nearly lacks the ability to be funny deliberately, but is a sort of joke in and of himself. The only reason we don't point and laugh when he enters the Park is because of his close connection to Ayrus (apparently they live in the same general area, which is closer than most of us have ever gotten to the mysterious titan). We often can't tell if tbauer actually cares about anything or not, because his mannerisms never sway too far in either direction. He seems to be completely empty in character at first glance, but when invited into a conversation, he has a vast and endless storage unit in his brain filled to the brim with anything you may want to know, whether you want to know the easiest way to overdose on cannabis, or how to skin a wild rabbit with your penis. He seems to exist only for the sake of existing, like an ant or a mushroom. We can only assume he will die just as easily, with a lazily focused magnifying glass or an unaware kick with a shoe. Hopefully, he will keep living, however, because if he doesn't Ayrus might start turning into Hitler/Putin again.

Oldies
Oldies are former regulars, usurped from power by the new generation. Most have either moved to a new room or vanished from Kongregate completely. Looking back on it, there are a lot of old regs that made their mark on Atlas Park. Unfortunately, there are just too many to list that came and went over the last eight years, so we will have to name as many we can with our memory as our only source.

Blanc_Noir - Noir, what can we even begin to say about you? I'm even almost hesitant to say anything at all, in fear that if I cross a line with my words, Noir will come to me in my sleep and do unspeakable and inappropriate things to me. While this is definitely a risk, it is one of the more rare punishments that Noir deals out daily. The most common: absolute and total verbal annihilation in the Atlas Park chat room. It is fair to say that deciding to get into an argument with Ashleigh is like skipping to the final boss level in a game you've never played before. While her usual prey includes trolls, spammers (this should be motivation enough to not be an asshole in chat), and people with any shred of self-esteem at all, she could snap at just about anyone for just about anything. Her friendship is incredibly difficult to earn but is pretty rewarding when you do. Who wouldn't like the T-Rex to be on their side? She has more accounts than you have tangled wires so we can never be sure that this description is up to date.

ElDonuto - ElDonuto was a game developer who frequented Atlas Park in the olden days. No one has seen him in a long while, at least not in Atlas Park, and it is widely believed that he melded minds with a wild binary dragon and disappeared into the matrix. So, if you happen to run across a flying dinosaur with a severe case of multiple personality disorder, please tell ElDonuto to come home. The infinitesimal percentage of us who actually remember him kind of miss him and his generally apathetic attitude (But seriously, no one knows who he is).

tree_fiddy - tree_fiddy was a legendary troll in the olden days; racist, spiteful, and annoying as hell. Perma-banned after rampaging through the park on several occasions, we will generously label him an oldie. After all, most of the regulars had simply grown used to his presence and some even slightly attached to him, and it is no overstatement to say that he left his mark on Atlas Park, in the form of a hot iron brand shaped like a dollar sign. No one knows what he did with his life after being erased from Kong, but we assume he sat up from his rusted folding chair, his sticky keyboard, and his eternally glowing monitor, heavy with grease and dust, and walked outside for the first time in a century. At this instant, his being, soul and body, blew away in the wind as dust. This was the end of tree_fiddy; this will be the end of all trolls. We hope.

Credits
Contrary to popular opinion, this page was not ushered into being through powerful sorcery or diabolical science. In fact, the little magic that was instituted in its creation was feeble and inexperienced. You have a lot of people to thank (or blacklist, depending on your personal opinions) for how far Atlas Park's wiki page has come since it was a stub.

Editors
blebbeh - Thanks to bleb, who, despite all of the hate and discredit directed towards her work on the wiki, has and continues to make it great. Most of the profile descriptions and neat little tidbits you see present are her own work.

booty__pirate - Responsible for nothing and deserving of nothing, we hope he'll do great things in his assuredly limited time here. We expect he won't.

KingDaedalus - Dae, the only other editor here, who also exists, is responsible for the majority of the introductions to the sections and a whole bunch of other inconsequential little things you most likely don't care about.