A New Chapter OpensEdit

As with all good things they must end, but we need not let them die. The time has come for a bright new beginning, a fresh start. Not forgetting the glory days off old Velocity is in a transitional period. New(ish) ethics and methods, new faces mixed in with the old, some good some not so good. But this is what comes with change, and a change is as good as a rest so 'they' say. But who ever listens to them anyway.

Over time a new list of people will be added, but never let us forget those who have come before, be they the ones we wish to know, or those we only remember, or those who fell by the wayside and are only regaled in tales from another time to entertain the new.

New Faces/ Old Faces

DoctorAutopsy: or DrA. Room owner, musician and part time evil genius.

Trem: Resident mod (read coffee table), often found lurking in the shadows. Can go like 'mert' off a shovel when needs be.

Auric: Now permanent feature in Velocity, master of chat murder, who has passed his skills onto many others.

Iggyshark: Stalwart of velocity. Left the flock for a while, but has flown back.

Serpentesque: Is as she always was, still here and nailed to the floor.

Carados: I'm a Carados.


Velocity, room ID 25717, following its acquisition by Iggyshark and the immigration of many regulars of The Lair, became the best room on Kongregate. With the combined awesome of two rooms, Velocity boasts lenient moderation and a higher proportion of intelligent members to mouth-breathers than regular rooms. Denizens of Velocity are known as Velociraptors. Velocity got its name due to a large portion of its server hardware currently being fired through a particle accelerator. One day, Velocity will destroy the planet; until then, many scientists have announced, "How does this thing even work in the accelerator in the first place? Doesn't it need wires?" followed by suddenly dying from brain aneurysms because they just couldn't fathom how awesome it was.

Velocity's Official ReligionEdit

Discordia and Chaos

General ConversationEdit

Most conversations held in Velocity have a good deal of merit and draw upon the other superpowers of Discord. However, as can be seen with the random trolls, the mining of PHatHome666, and the huggings from serpentesque the conversations are held in a laid back, calm manner.

Notable VelociraptorsEdit

Angel14995: Just is there.

Auric: Shows up at random weekly intervals, and tends to ask odd and disturbing questions. Willing to discuss philosophy and religion at the drop of a hat, and is willing to give anyone just enough rope to hang themself. Is a inveterate chatkiller, and has several binders filled with the medallions stripped from the cooling bodies of the dead chats left in his wake.

Bob_Froogle: Real name is AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARON, thinks hes being stalked by Iggy, he is a badgewhore wanna be, and he was called a troll once in his life, by Carados, right before she muted him.

Carados: Carados quit Kongregate on September 14, 2010

Choose282: Known for completely sucking at video games and sometimes kissing up to mods, Choose282 is also known to be random and uses the word sex too often. "I heard he has a huge dick."jacob713

Chris646: A person who talks. He also learned the language of trolls long ago, and sometimes uses that power to kindly tell trolls to GTFO.

CtrlAltElite: CAE is, was, and intends to always be. He has been on and off since The Exodus from the Lair. He has never heard of myrddenx, Choose282, or DaRealGman. He is now somewhat rare, only appearing for a few hours every few months, much like a meteor shower. Its summer and he is thus likely to become more common.

DoctorAutopsy: Current room owner.


An image of MIKE JONES

dabombchu: Better known as MIKE JONES, dabombchu is infamous for his awesome name, which must always be capitalized.

Drag0nsplay: Drag0nsplay is a strange character, known to be random and never giving Iggy (or mkeli) his docs. He enjoys Salamiches and is head of the drag0n family. Is not yet a Discordian. Is a hardcore skater that usually talks about his skateboarding fails.

Eletha: Is now on this list.

Hellwing: With his occasional ignorance, common spelleling erotrs, and lack of any real programming/physics knoweldge, somehow makes it as Velociraptor. Also, Yes.

HikariStarshine: Lazy & loved mod. Vell, Hikari's just zis guy, you know? Although never admitting it, Hikari is in charge of making people moderators. Ask him today!

Iggyshark: Quacky Former Room Owner

Ikethelord3: Relatively new to Velocity, and decided to put himself on this list. If you really want to know about him, you should probably just pay attention to him in the chatroom.

Invinciproduct: One of the highest level Velociraptors. Is rarely a jerk but can be pretty dumb. Also claims to be the one who originally asked Iggy to come deal with a troll, Iggy stayed ever since.

Jimmyrulez: A bit of a loner, who is not well known. Befriended by serps when first joined Kong, he was only a lowly nub at teh time. Now he has evolved to a Pookie at Kong. ( A pookie is halfway Pro, Halfway rookie. Thus, Pookie.)P.S. enjoys potatoes.

katsup: Part feline, part condiment, who knows what that crazy Kat will do next?

lachan: Rumored to be the same person as Iggyshark, lachan is actually one of Slade's alternate accounts, used for its access to the S%hammer.

landfieldjc: Some call him "land" others just stand on him. Prefers to not be mined. Resident thief. Caution: may hate on occasion.

Megamech109: Quite an irregular visitor but has been loyal to Velocity for a while, quite friendly and likes talking but often misses out vital parts of the conversation as he gets sucked into games.

mkelican: Not much is known about mkelican, but a few information leaks lead the general populace to believe he is stationed in Maryland, and is a staunch follower of the teachings of Malaclypse the Younger. Beyond that, no further information is known. He has been on Kongregate since before Iggy joined and was brought up by the teachings of Crushproof. He is the one to invent the shorthand for silence, the S%. Befriend him, and perhaps you may learn more of his secrets...

myrddenx: Quiet, opinionated, and more than willing to match wits with witless people. Also is not a fan of punctuation and fials at splelnig. Has heard of CtrlAltElite. The cake is a lie.

PHatHome666: More commonly known as Patti, PHatHome666 is a mod that may or may not confuse you with something random. Is easily distracted by shiny things and ongoing conversation even when deeply involved in a game/badgewhoring. Has a high tendency to step on landmines.

rabidcrayon: rabid. it's rabid. *waves*

raeghne: Wait, what?

serpentesque: Is a strange little blonde creature that runs the Velocibar ‘The Hissing Duck’. Has been here for a year and is now officially part of the furniture and is only likely to leave when she gets thrown in a skip. Hugs a lot of people, not normally strangers (unless she is after sweeties).

Shazzeh: Shazzeh, known among Velociraptors for not being funny, has accidentally originated many memes, none of which are funny. EDIT: Shazzeh is not funny is now a meme.

Slade: Slade is noted for being a bit of a badgewhore and mercilessly judging the constant array of bad games that pop up and are up-voted by those with no concept of grammar or good game design. PHatHome666's obsession with landmines tends to get Slade into trouble. He has limbs of octiron. Some day he'll get around to making a game that's better than the dreadful ones that seem to get all of the badges. (edit: years later, he's still making this claim... and not a line of code further along.)

Spleen: Just your average resident internal organ with a fondness for peppermint bark and Irish cheese.

The_Crusader_: Gun fanatic from the hottest part of Texas, USA. Thinks 70 Fahrenheit is "Cold". Joined Velocity long after The Exodus from The Lair, has not yet been converted to Discordianism.

wecl0me12: Has a list of Velocity hazards and is being hacked with NetHack. He is also trying to find the date that The Exodus occurred, and believes it was between January and November 2008. PHatHome666 says June 2008, while Iggyshark says Jul 25, 2008 5:36pm (room ownership transfer). Knows the cause of the Velocity heat wave and has it on his/her profile.

Entries will be reviewed by important people...

The great rap battleEdit

FreeRiderGuru: Katsup...if you have a problem with me, or my MC'ing mastery, just talk to me, and we will settle it out in the non-molesty way.

Slade: Katsup, please molest him.

PHatHome666: Can you stop saying "Non-molesty"

Iggyshark: You MC'ing failure is obnoxious, a rap battle is about to knock you unconscious.

Slade: Hahahahaha. Oh Eris. Now it's just ridiculous.

FreeRiderGuru: But preacher Carl says that non-molesty is gnarl! Yo

Iggyshark: Mix Master Iggy on the mic, showing up fools that nobody likes

katsup: And Jam Master Jabor just got shot in his studio?

PHatHome666: What he is doing is just absurd, he's about to listen to the sickest rhymes ever heard.

FreeRiderGuru: FRG on the scene, rolling up in his cube with his team, peeing on the bed with my wet dream, jonas brothers facial cream.

katsup: FRG hurt my eyes, Patti.

CoreMeltdown: what the hell

FreeRiderGuru: word to your mother

Iggyshark: Funk Master P knows the scene, Guru is like a broken spleen

Iggyshark: I ain't being mean, but his lyrics are wack.

Iggyshark: That didn't even rhyme because listening to that fool is a crime

FreeRiderGuru: Iggyshark is like a dog's bark, nobody wants to hear it.

Slade: Wiggidy whack?

CoreMeltdown: brb, finding a rapper to stab.

orange1106: Jesus its like MTV on steroids with seizures

katsup: Dogs like to hear them?

FreeRiderGuru: Iggysharks beat are whack, He is like American beer six packs (the bad ones..the ones that when I wake up, I have herpsees).

Iggyshark: Guru doesn't know, but he's at my show, trying to interrupt my flow', but he's about to get shown the door

PHatHome666: Iggy is like straight booze, always gets the job done so you know he won't lose.

CoreMeltdown: The level of retardation radiation this guy gives off could melt a Buick into slag.

Iggyshark: Meltin' buicks aside, listenting to Guru makes me want to down thalidomide

serpentesque: :/

katsup: Thalidomide is aaalride, 'long as you take the right side.

katsup: (Thalidomide comes in left handed and right handed, it was only one of the handeds that resulted in birth defects)

FreeRiderGuru: Iggy I clearly trumped you in the rap battle, step aside or I'll smack you with a paddle the dirty way all day

Slade: FRG is Sable?

PHatHome666: *headdesk*

serpentesque: haha

FreeRiderGuru: Who Is sable?

Iggyshark: You failed pretty hard, now get the hell out before you remind me of that sack of lard

FreeRiderGuru: Sack of lard? just like your girlfriend when I banged her hard (gave her the around the world)

Iggyshark: You just used the same rhyme I did sir, you're a mangy rhyme stealing cur

Ditka: no time for 8-mile

katsup: ITT: rhyme stealing!

Iggyshark: Da Coach knows what's good, he'll destroy your whole hood

Ditka: raa

FreeRiderGuru: Iggyshark just resign, Your raps aren't as good as mine.

Iggyshark: Won't even give a **** too busy being a champion, stampede'n, leading

Iggyshark: Your raps are half assed and you've no class, just pack it in before you get picked last

Iggyshark: You failed the test, you can't run with the best, got nothing left, your girlfriend's got too much heft

FreeRiderGuru: *drops mic* you win.

Iggyshark: Failed at life, get out of my sight.

Iggyshark: Word son.

omgnottaken: wow are u guys battle rapping?

Iggyshark: We were.

FreeRiderGuru: We was battle rapping up in here, I'm going to put my hands in my pants, and do the safety dance.

katsup: Horrible.

FreeRiderGuru: You can't rhyme it like me katsup, word to yo mutha.

CoreMeltdown: you can't do the safety dance with your hands in your pants.

Iggyshark: Don't be messing with my crew, or I'll send you back to the zoo.

Slade: Sweet Eris this is the best worst thing ever.

Auric: Not the worst best thing ever?

FreeRiderGuru: Slade, don't get in our beef, or you'll get meefed.

Iggyshark: Like a chimp with diapers, fat zookeepers for ass wipers.

Iggyshark: What did I say about not messing with the crew, ya foo'?

FreeRiderGuru: I can mess with your crew, what you gonna do?

katsup: Shoo!

Iggyshark: Rap you into submission. Then get Da Coach to stab you like a mother****er.

PHatHome666: Nonsense he will say/Just ignore while you can guys/Let it go die slow

Slade: Son I don't think you know who you're messin' with - ten ninjas ain't for show. Step off before you get yourself hurt. You don't want to end up face down in the dirt.

katsup: Scat, we don't like you, not even this kat.

katsup: Rapping is like Dr. Seuss?

CoreMeltdown: Haiku :D

serpentesque: i hope your not expecting us all to start, i really didnt want to take part

Slade: Oh great, you just got serps involved. She'll tear you down, make your head revolve.

omgnottaken: actually rapping is like the special olimpics even if u win ur still a ****ing retard

katsup: Thanks for that ken, probably don't use that analogy again.

Iggyshark: Spelling the Special Olympics wrong is like losing the special Olympics.

serpentesque: for a start you cant spell crap without rap, wanna stop after one more lap?

FreeRiderGuru: Oh snap serps got skillitz.

katsup: Rhyming Olympics with Olympics? =(

Slade: Eris, this is all so contagious. I just don't think the chat is this spacious to contain all these rhymes, the walls'll burst in time...

FreeRiderGuru: I busted to many dope rhymes, I need a label to sign. I can rap any times.

Iggyshark: The day you get signed is the day rappers have to pay a fine, just to open their mouths like a trout

Slade: Big Mouth Billy Bass?

Iggyshark: If you can't compete, can't contend with the elite, might as well use them feet, go pound some peat

Auric: Billy Bass-Mays?

Iggyshark: In a word, your raps suck like Big Bird

PHatHome666: Billy Big-Mouth-Bass Mays?

katsup: Word.

Ye auld storyEdit

It all started with a simple question, one that Seanchaí Iggy and Bard Mkeli took far too seriously. The game. Was. Afoot.

Sourgecko: what are you talking about?

Iggyshark: Rainbows of sugar and the majestic duck horde that migrates through them.

mkelican: But one day, the sky parted, and Werther's Originals rained upon the land. It was on that day that the unicorns attacked.

Iggyshark: The duck horde fought mightily, but could not drive the horned bastards back alone.

Iggyshark: And thus the great duck, snake, wolf accord was struck.

mkelican: They galloped forth from the rainbows, having hidden there, plotting the whole time. Many good ducks were skewered that day

Iggyshark: The valiant defenders were forced into tactics borrowed from the gorillas, striking the unicorns as they grazed and slept.

Iggyshark: For years the conflict wore on, until a precious few looked out upon the rotting corpses of friend and foe, and saw the land was free of the horned evil.

Iggyshark: But at what cost?

mkelican: In the end, the duck's villages were bathed in the warm glow of unicorn blood. Their heads speared up by their own horns.

Slade: And Eris said "Let there be fnord." And there was giraffe kidney.

mkelican: The wolves returned to the shadows, so that they could nurse their wounds. The snakes vanished into the brush, never seen, but always watching, and the ducks swam in silent contemplation of the horrors they had seen.

mkelican: The cats watched over the whole thing. Sipping their milk and stroking their monocles. Hedging bets on each bloodbath, the participants merely pawns in their entertainment. Their paws wet with fresh blood, the cats hunger for destruction was sated... for now.

The PickleEdit

trem: I wonder if I could pickle at home... hrm.

Balmafula: If the question is hard enough to settle, it is a pickle itself.

trem: Indeed, a pickle about a pickle.

trem: Now if only I was pondering this while trapped between first and second base while playing baseball...

trem: (also known as being in a pickle)

Balmafula: Then you can take a highlight picture from when your were so trapped and Photoshop it so you have a pickle or a jar of pickles in one of your hands.

trem: And use that as the label for the pickles I make at home! Brilliant!

Balmafula: You can even arrange it so that the jar in the picture is identical to the jar of pickles, so that you have nested pictures of pickle jars...

trem: Indeed. That could put people with an eye for detail into a pickle of their own.

Balmafula: Then you'll need to include a warning on the label: Do not get lost in the nested pickle jar pictures so much that you crack the jar with your head and gash yourself gorily.


Shazzeh is not funny is not a meme. Shazzeh is not funny is not a meme is a meme. Shazzeh is not funny is not a meme is a meme is a meme is just ridiculous. Disregard that, it is irrelevant. In Soviet Union, irrelevant is you. In Soviet Union, people don't post unfunny memes.